Talking Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak French, Spanish, Sanskrit and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, no body wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Simple solutions to Complex problems

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV.
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now!

LEAVE THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BAR TENDER. There is always another way to solve a problem. I drink to that.

Childish Humor !!..not at all..a must read for grown ups..

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

The italics are the real rejoinders by the kids...
1. Don't change horses...........until they stop running.

2.Strike while the............bug is close.

3.It's always darkest before..............Daylight Saving Time.

4.Never underestimate the power of.............termites.
5.You can lead a horse to water but...................How?
6.Don't bite the hand that...................looks dirty.
7.No news is...............................impossible
8.A miss is as good as a..............Mr.
9.You can't teach an old dog new............Math
10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll..............stink in the morning.
11.Love all, trust..............................Me.
12.The pen is mightier than the.............. pigs..
13.An idle mind is....................................the best way to relax.
14.Where there's smoke there's............pollution.
15.Happy the bride who.....................gets all the presents.
16.A penny saved is.........................not much.
17.Two's company, three's.............the Musketeers.
18.Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.............You have to blow your nose.
20.There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed...................get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you...............See in the picture on the box
24.When the blind lead the blind .......................get out of the way.
25.A bird in the hand................................is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.Better late than............................Pregnant

Now its pretty debatable if the last one is the best one but I had to trick you into reading all of them....soooo...But you have to agree that there are some profound insights in those proverbs.

THE TEENAGER DAUGHTER OWNER'S MANUAL

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters, or who will soon have a teenage daughter....
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, & answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the 'product' to the factory for a full refund.

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. - Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup & less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth. (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

(d) Has one ear glued to the phone?

(e) Lives in a room which looks like the aftermath of Iraq bombing raid!

(f) Has body piercing and tattos which you didn't even know existed in human anatomy?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, & you will merely feel traumatized and totally disoriented. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain Behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, & stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between The words "clean" & "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because They take frequent showers and or baths that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom & dad use. DUH!" When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out & wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy & don't have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These 'others' are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be Purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because, "It is like so disgusting." She doesn't want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you &, "Like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents." Either order take-out food or just give her the money. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you &, "OHMIGAWD! HE IS SO HOT!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza delivery boy!

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish & frankly, sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door (if she is not skip school to hang out with her buddies), she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE
Teenaged daughters require one or two levels of maintenance: "High," & "Ultra High." Of course, YOUR daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough, & whatever you try, won't work.

WARRANTY
This product is not without defect because she has "your" genes, for heaven's sake! If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, & as far as you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her. Go ahead, try it -- you just might find her!