Thursday, November 18, 2010

Childish Humor !!..not at all..a must read for grown ups..

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

The italics are the real rejoinders by the kids...
1. Don't change horses...........until they stop running.
2.Strike while the............bug is close.
3.It's always darkest before..............Daylight Saving Time.
4.Never underestimate the power of.............termites.
5.You can lead a horse to water but...................How?
6.Don't bite the hand that...................looks dirty.
7.No news is...............................impossible
8.A miss is as good as a..............Mr.
9.You can't teach an old dog new............Math
10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll..............stink in the morning.
11.Love all, trust..............................Me.
12.The pen is mightier than the.............. pigs..
13.An idle mind is....................................the best way to relax.
14.Where there's smoke there's............pollution.
15.Happy the bride who.....................gets all the presents.
16.A penny saved is.........................not much.
17.Two's company, three's.............the Musketeers.
18.Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.............You have to blow your nose.
20.There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed...................get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you...............See in the picture on the box
24.When the blind lead the blind .......................get out of the way.
25.A bird in the hand................................is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.Better late than............................Pregnant
Now its pretty debatable if the last one is the best one but I had to trick you into reading all of them....soooo...But you have to agree that there are some profound insights in those proverbs.

THE TEENAGER DAUGHTER OWNER'S MANUAL


Instructions for all those with teenage daughters, or who will soon have a teenage daughter....
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, & answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the 'product' to the factory for a full refund.

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. - Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup & less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth. (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
(d) Has one ear glued to the phone?
(e) Lives in a room which looks like the aftermath of Iraq bombing raid!
(f) Has body piercing and tattos which you didn't even know existed in human anatomy?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, & you will merely feel traumatized and totally disoriented. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain Behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, & stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between The words "clean" & "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because They take frequent showers and or baths that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom & dad use. DUH!" When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out & wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy & don't have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These 'others' are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be Purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because, "It is like so disgusting." She doesn't want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you &, "Like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents." Either order take-out food or just give her the money. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you &, "OHMIGAWD! HE IS SO HOT!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza delivery boy!

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish & frankly, sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door (if she is not skip school to hang out with her buddies), she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE
Teenaged daughters require one or two levels of maintenance: "High," & "Ultra High." Of course, YOUR daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough, & whatever you try, won't work.

WARRANTY
This product is not without defect because she has "your" genes, for heaven's sake! If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, & as far as you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her. Go ahead, try it -- you just might find her!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Bill Gates speech: 11 rules your kids did not and will not learn in school

Although I knew most of these rules but this still did not help me set up Microsoft or make a few billions in pocket money. The italics are mine, and the rest is Mr. billion dollars. I mean would you still be reading it if Gates had not made his moolah!!! You would have gone " BILL WHO!!!"



Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!(I'm trying dammit!!! I'm trying)

Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem (errr neither do I). The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE (DUH! wud ve got it without the capital letters) you feel good about yourself.(I used to feel good when i was sozzled till they told me it was not counted as an accomplishment)

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.(orrrr steal a car with a car phone)

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. (my teacher was hot and I'm unemployed so eat that Mr Gates)

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.(for free food!)

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.(I'm still learning everyday)

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now(Yeah, they had sex! i know). They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.(Lice have rights too you know)

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. (So why am i still in high school!!!)

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time. (I 've hard time finding employers dude)

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. (What about Live shows and porn!! that's real life... ain't it??)

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.(NERD...he he he i know gates is never gonna hire me..so NERD again)

Friday, August 20, 2010

Music never fails to raise the spirit

Usually i do not like to blog videos as they detract me from writing weird stuff, but once in a while one comes across music which raises the spirit into a free flight. This one is not only a audible but a visual delight too.


I am certain that after watching this video you are going to get a pirated version or a free download of this (thus hurting coca cola revenues maybe) but coke has given us enough burps so they wont even notice.





More about the singers and the concept once i am through with the videos. I know you hot dudes are dying to know more about the beautiful babe in the video. Well she is the daughter of a Pakistani actress and a top model in Pakistan besides being an excellent singer. So to help your hormones a bit here are a couple of more videos of Messha Shafi






And here is the cokestudio video of Chori Chori by Messha Shafi. A must watch not only for the beautiful Meesha Shafi (you you you lustful dudes) but for her beautiful voice.




More about this later. I got to watch some of this again. If anyone knows free download links please post them in response. Lotta pirates will be grateful to you.
Meantime have fun.