Best Pcitures of 2011

Here are some of the Best Pictures of 2011. The top pictures of 2011 is just a perspective on a year gone by and is very subjective. 

A Bull Frog hops around as Carlos Costly #13 of Honduras brings the ball up against the USA at Sun Life Stadium on October 8, 2011 in Miami Gardens, Florida

Egyptian soldiers beat up a woman and pull off her abaya (a loose over-garment worn by women in parts of the Islamic world) during clashes at Tahrir Square in Cairo on December 17

A rebel fighter celebrates as his comrades fire a rocket barrage toward the positions of troops loyal to Libyan ruler Muammar Gaddafi April 14, 2011 west of Ajdabiyah, Libya.

A Palestinian girl weeps as Israeli soldiers detain activists in the West Bank on December 11 during clashes that followed the funeral of a Palestinian demonstrator

Libyans take pictures with their mobile phones of the body of Moamer Kadhafi in Misrata on October 20, 2011.

Riot police walk in the street as a young man consoles his girlfriend, who fell amid the chaos, on June 15, 2011 in Vancouver, Canada. Vancouver broke out in riots after their hockey team, the Vancouver Canucks, lost in Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Finals.

Paint-splattered police officers look on during clashes outside Top Shop on Oxford Street during marches in protest at government cuts on March 26, 2011 in London, England.

Anna Hazare and Anti Corruption Drama

People are raising their voice across India against corruption, led by Anna Hazare. The government of India is completely at sea in its attempt to deal with the situation. But there is something seriously amiss in this whole scenerio.

It seems that people who are participating in this movement think that corruption is something that is perpetrated by some others who are in power or who are rich. This is partly true but not the absolute truth.

Corruption is entrencehed in the system because of people like you and me and the so called anti corruption agitators. Ask yourself a simple question; How will you respond in a situation where the easy way out is by bribe or influence (Sifarish)? Will you stand in a long queue and wait your turn, or visit a court to pay a traffic fine or would you rather hand over a 100 Rs note to the traffic cop and go home?

There are numerous situations where this choice arises; be it admissions to an educational institutions, getting a driving license, making a file move in a government office at a faster pace than others and so on...

Corruption and bribing is not something the nation and its people learnt over night. We have thousands of years old tradition of bribing our gods for favours asked. If such and such event happens or such and such problem or ailment vanishes I will donate a prasad of Rs. xyz in the temple. It is the same mind set which is carried by the common man when he visits the office of power.

Is it only the people who take bribes corrupt or the giver is equally responsible? The fact is that the petite bourgeoisie-auto rickshaw drivers, and constables, if Haryana Police Sangathan support for Jan Lok Pal's bill is any indication, and low paid government officials and assorted elements-have no idea that they are very much part of the corruption. They believe it is a disease outside them, primarily endemic to the government and its institutions, when they are active players in the drama.

The only major difference in the bills drafted by the government and Anna Hazare, apart from bringing the PM into the bill's ambit, seems to be that the government wants to set up a separate investigative agency while Anna and his team want an existing investigating agency like the CBI to report to the Lokpal committee. That would eventually mean the Lokpal evolving into a parallel power vortex, and might make Parliament redundant. In other words, the people elected by you will not have as much say as those appointed or government nominated Lokpal committee members.

As far as political parties go in India, they have clearly failed to represent the people. They do not have the interests of common man in their agenda. Their primary purpose seems to be how to keep clinging to power and make some money for their future generations rather than think of the benefit and problems faced by the masses.

The system has become such that it is virtually impossible for and outsider to find his footing in the political system without money or connection.

This movement should be more of an awakening call for the people to do a self search rather than the Political parties, which anyways seem numbed and have noy been able to come up with any proper response to this anti corruption movement.

I truly hope that this movement helps wake up the common man to stop bribing officials and seeking favors from political masters in their lives. That would be an eye opener for politicians, bureaucracy, police and the powers that be.

I ll finish this article with some tongue in cheek comments later on..cause this is too insipid for my taste.

CBSE Class X Result and Grading System

The new Grading System of CBSE is here for the Class X results 2011. Here is a brief guide to understand the grading system of CBSE.

CBSE Grading

(i) Assessment of theory/practical papers in external subjects shall be in numerical scores.In addition to numerical scores, the Board shall indicate grades in the marks sheets issued to the candidates in case of subjects of external examinations. In case of internal assessment
subjects, only grades shall be shown.

*(ii) Letter grades on a nine-point scale shall be used for subjects of external examinations. However, for subjects of internal examination in Class X the assessment shall be made on a five point scale I.e. A,B,C,D & E.

(iii) The grades shall be derived from scores in case of subjects of external examination. In case of subjects of internal assessment, they shall be awarded by the schools.

(iv) The qualifying marks in each subject of external examination shall be 33% at Secondary/Senior School Certificate Examinations. However at Senior School Certificate Examination,in a subject involving practical work, a candidate must obtain 33% marks in the theory
and 33% marks in the practical separately in addition to 33% marks in aggregate, in order to qualify in that subject.

(v) For awarding the grades, the Board shall put all the passed students in a rank order and will award grades as follows :

A-1 Top 1/8th of the passed candidates

A-2 Next 1/8th of the passed candidates

B-1 Next 1/8th of the passed candidates

B-2 Next 1/8th of the passed candidates

C-1 Next 1/8th of the passed candidates

C-2 Next 1/8th of the passed candidates

D-1 Next 1/8th of the passed candidates

D-2 Next 1/8th of the passed candidates

E Failed candidates

Notes :

(a) Minor variations in proportion of candidates to adjust ties will be made.

(b) In case of a tie, all the students getting the same score, will get the same grade. If the number of students at a score point need to be divided into two segments, the smaller segment will go with the larger.

(c) Method of grading will be used in subjects where the number of candidates who have passed is more than 500.

(d) In respect of subjects where total number of candidates passing in a subject is less than 500, the grading would be adopted on the pattern of grading and distribution in other similar subjects.


The results have been extremely good this year and most students have performed well. The new grading system has also been well received by both students and teachers.

Complete Comprehensive Evaluation means the focus has shifted from rote memory of lessons to overall development of the student. Students have managed to register a good performance.

A student who has got grade D and above is qualified for admission to Class 11. Those who have scored below D will be eligible for improvement of performance or not eligible.

CBSE Class X Results 2011

There has been some major goof up in Declaring Class X results of CBSE by the board. Although the CBSE Class X results 2011 for Chennai and Delhi Region have been announced after some hiccups there has been considerable delay.

The CBSE Class 10 Results for ( Allahabad, Ajmer, Bhubaneswar, Chandigarh, Guwahati and Patna regions) Rest of India are yet to be announced and is expected around 4 P.M. Today.

Click here to Check your CBSE Class X result on line

Or check the Website below

http://cbseresults.nic.in/class1011/cbse1011.htm

We wish all the students and their anxious parents best of luck with their results.

A MOMENT OF SILENCE, BEFORE I START THIS POEM

I Know it takes time to read the written word but I think this one deserves to be read.

Before I start this poem,
I’d like to ask you to join me
In a moment of silence
In honor of those who died in the World Trade Center and the Pentagon last September 11th.

I would also like to ask you
To offer up a moment of silence
For all of those who have been harassed, imprisoned,
disappeared, tortured, raped, or killed in retaliation for those strikes
For the victims in both Afghanistan and the U.S.

And if I could just add one more thing…
A full day of silence
For the tens of thousands of Palestinians who have died at the hands of U.S.-backed Israeli forces over decades of occupation.
Six months of silence for the million-and-a-half Iraqi people, mostly children, who have died of malnourishment or starvation as a result of an 11-year U.S. embargo against the country.

Before I begin this poem,
Two months of silence for the Blacks under Apartheid in South Africa,
Where homeland security made them aliens in their own country.
Nine months of silence for the dead in Hiroshima and Nagasaki,
Where death rained down and peeled back every layer of
concrete, steel, earth and skin
And the survivors went on as if alive.
A year of silence for the millions of dead in Vietnam – a people, not a war – for those who know a thing or two about the scent of burning fuel, their relatives’ bones buried in it, their babies born of it.
A year of silence for the dead in Cambodia and Laos, victims of a secret war … ssssshhhhhhh…
Say nothing
we don’t want them to learn that they are dead.
Two months of silence for the decades of dead in Colombia,
Whose names, like the corpses they once represented,
have piled up and slipped off our tongues.

Before I begin this poem.
An hour of silence for El Salvador …
An afternoon of silence for Nicaragua …
Two days of silence for the Guatemaltecos …
None of whom ever knew a moment of peace in their living years.
45 seconds of silence for the 45 dead at Acteal, Chiapas

25 years of silence for the hundred million Africans who found their graves far deeper in the ocean than any building could poke into the sky.
There will be no DNA testing or dental records to identify their remains.
And for those who were strung and swung from the heights of sycamore trees in the south, the north, the east, and the west…

100 years of silence…
For the hundreds of millions of Indigenous peoples from this half of right here,
Whose land and lives were stolen,
In postcard-perfect plots like Pine Ridge, Wounded Knee, Sand Creek, Fallen Timbers, or the Trail of Tears.
Names now reduced to innocuous magnetic poetry on the refrigerator of our consciousness …

So you want a moment of silence?
And we are all left speechless
Our tongues snatched from our mouths
Our eyes stapled shut
A moment of silence
And the poets have all been laid to rest
The drums disintegrating into dust.

Before I begin this poem,
You want a moment of silence
You mourn now as if the world will never be the same
And the rest of us hope to hell it won’t be.
Not like it always has been.

Because this is not a 9/11 poem.
This is a 9/10 poem,
It is a 9/9 poem,
A 9/8 poem,
A 9/7 poem
This is a 1492 poem.

This is a poem about what causes poems like this to be written.
And if this is a 9/11 poem, then:
This is a September 11th poem for Chile, 1971.
This is a September 12th poem for Steven Biko in South Africa, 1977.
This is a September 13th poem for the brothers at Attica Prison, New York, 1971.
This is a September 14th poem for Somalia, 1992.
This is a poem for every date that falls to the ground in ashes
This is a poem for the 110 stories that were never told
The 110 stories that history chose not to write in textbooks
The 110 stories that CNN, BBC, The New York Times, and Newsweek ignored.
This is a poem for interrupting this program.

And still you want a moment of silence for your dead?
We could give you lifetimes of empty:
The unmarked graves
The lost languages
The uprooted trees and histories
The dead stares on the faces of nameless children
Before I start this poem we could be silent forever
Or just long enough to hunger,
For the dust to bury us
And you would still ask us
For more of our silence.

If you want a moment of silence
Then stop the oil pumps
Turn off the engines and the televisions
Sink the cruise ships
Crash the stock markets
Unplug the marquee lights,
Delete the instant messages,
Derail the trains, the light rail transit.

If you want a moment of silence, put a brick through the window of Taco Bell,
And pay the workers for wages lost.
Tear down the liquor stores,
The townhouses, the White Houses, the jailhouses, the
Penthouses and the Playboys.

If you want a moment of silence,
Then take it
On Super Bowl Sunday,
The Fourth of July
During Dayton’s 13 hour sale
Or the next time your white guilt fills the room where my beautiful people have gathered.

You want a moment of silence
Then take it NOW,
Before this poem begins.
Here, in the echo of my voice,
In the pause between goosesteps of the second hand,
In the space between bodies in embrace,
Here is your silence,
Take it.
But take it all…
Don’t cut in line.
Let your silence begin at the beginning of crime.
But we,
Tonight we will keep right on singing
For our dead.

P.S. NO! you were not tired of it because the Poem was too long or repetitive but because it made you too uncomfortable. Think about it!

Emmanuel Ortiz is a third-generation Chicano/Puerto Rican/Irish-American community organizer and spoken word poet residing in Minneapolis, MN. He currently serves on the board of directors for the Minnesota Spoken Word Association, and is the coordinator of Guerrilla Wordfare, a Twin Cities-based grassroots project bringing together artists of color to address socio-political issues and raise funds for progressive organizing in communities of color through art as a tool of social change.

Educating Your Childeren About Sex

It might cause every parent some discomfort to educate their children about sex, but it is something that has to be done for the sake of child's welfare.

The talk about sex, puberty and sexually related nitty-gritties is an uncomfortable topic for most parents. Ask any child expert and they will not be able to emphasise enough on how important it is for parents to talk to their children about sex, and at an early age itself. Why? So that the misconceptions they develop about the subject, especially from peer group conversations and information gained from the Internet and television, can indeed lead to wrong notions about sex and sexuality.

Unfortunately, talking to your tiny tots about sex is never an easy task. Moreover, it's not comfortable for any of the parties involved — parents are afraid of it and children, mortified by it. That's probably the reason why this talk is often delayed, swept under the carpet or totally ignored with many parents who instead depend on teachers to do the needful. Children are an inquisitive lot and when it comes to sex, the curiosity levels zooms up quite a few notches. Hence, one cannot turn a blind eye and hope someone else does the 'dirty work'. Parents need to be proactive in talking to their children about sex. However, if done wrongly, it can either scare your child completely or just increase their curiosity even more.

"When you're talking to your child about sex, it has to be a very clinical talk, very matter of fact. Don't use any words or phrases that may indicate that it is something dirty or a taboo act. Also, don't talk about a gender bias. Avoid sentences like 'women always do this...' or 'men always do...'," says child psychologists.

According to expertys, the kind of sex talk parents have with their children depends on the age group of the child as at each different age, different things are to be said to a child.

For a child between the age group of seven to 10 years, the sex talk should emphasise on the commitment and bonding angle. Since this is his/her first exposure to sex, talk to your child about how sex is a natural process and a part of the body. Tell them about the beauty of relationships but don't bring up the violence or rape angle.

If your child is aged between 10 years to 13 years, it is the right age to describe the biological facts and of course, the emotional angle. Link your sex talk to the biological changes that they are experiencing in their body.

For a 15 year old the emphasis must be on explaining the actual act of intercourse. "More importantly, explain that sex is not something to be used for any kind of gain or as a sign of power.

"The most important thing when talking to your child about sex is to not make it sound like a bad thing or a taboo," says child experts. According to them, most parents feel shy about talking to their children about sex thus leading to wrong concepts. One must remember, children are very imaginative. If the concept itself is wrong, they will either get scared about sex or extra imaginative about it. Hence, be normal and casual when talking about sex. Explain, as naturally as possible, about anatomy and the related changes.

As kids grow, so does their curiosity, especially about sex. "So when your talking to your six or seven year old about his or her private parts, don't say things like 'chee, it's dirty', 'don't touch it, it's a sin'. Instead, tell them about the functions of these parts and teach them how to keep it clean just as you would tell them to wash their hands of feet," she says.

According to her, young girls need to be told about puberty and the changes it will bring in the body. "Teach them how to differentiate between a good touch and a bad touch. But don't petrify them that every man is just out to get them. For boys, meanwhile, fathers should talk to them about sexual organs, their growth and things like night emissions. When it first happens, the child may get scared or start feeling guilty. Explain to them that it is a natural growth process," she explains.

Make the talk easier

Start early: You'll find it less awkward if you introduce the topic when your child is very young. More importantly, answer questions simply and naturally, don't beat around the bush and use complicated or cliched metaphors.

Use everyday situations to start conversations: TV programmes are often a good opportunity to initiate the talk about sex. You can also talk when you're doing an activity together like washing up, laundry, a jigsaw puzzle, etc. This makes your child feel that sex is a normal part of family life and not a taboo subject.

Use books or leaflets: Finding it too difficult to get into nitty-gritties? Get help. Book stores have plenty of material that tells you how. That apart, there are also books that you can get your child to read or that you can go through together.

Be prepared: There will be those difficult moments when your child will, in the oddest of places, demand for an explanation about something they see. Don't fumble. Instead, say something like 'That's a good question, but let's talk about it when we get home'. Also, make sure you do, don't lose out of a good opportunity.

Be truthful: Forget those old grandmother ways of talking about 'bees and birds', storks, etc. Stories like these will just confuse children.

Ask your child's opinion: Talk to your children and ask them what they think about certain sex related issues, especially if it's in the news. More than anything else, this tells give you a fair idea of how much they know and understand.

Don't shun the issue: Don't ignore it if your child asks you a sex related question. Moreover, don't get angry with them. This will give them an impression that it is not a topic to be spoken about.

Don't beat around the bush: If you don't know the answer, say so and tell them you'll find out and let them know. This is a far better option to bluffing them, they are bound to find out the truth sooner or later.

Recovery

A man walks in to a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 5 rupee coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The
father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the penny coins but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and
twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter!!! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a Doctor?'

'No', the woman replied, 'I'm with ICICI Bank Loan Department (Recovery Section!)

Yana Gupta without Panties pics

Well...I am not so sure if the second rate celebrities do it for cheap publicity or its just one of those things which happens unconsciously. You be the judge of that.

It seems that wardrobe malfunctions were the norm at fashion shows or stage shows of unknown wannabes. What takes the cake is missing pieces of propriety or undies, if you please. In this case Yana Gupta was seen without panties at a social function.

Her short black dress kept getting hitched up and now people are scourging the net for Yana Gupta's pictures and video without panties.

Do let me remind you that certain parts of human anatomy are more fascinating and alluring when not visible. Some pals of mine would even go so far as saying " you seen one you have seen all" To those others would respond " you ain't seen nuthin as yet dude"

To this my rejoinder would be an age old Punjabi joke :
Santa (for want of better name and the effort of using my grey cell I choose tried n tested santa banta nomenclature) comes back from England and Banta is all curious about his escapades with Goris and pesters Santa to tell all.

Santa: I met his mem in the mall and she winked at me and i winked back at her.
Banta: fir ..fir ..fir ki hoya ..(what happened next)

Santa: She invited me over to her apartment and i went with her
Banta: fir ..fir ..fir ki hoya ...

Santa: Well...we kissed and slowly undressed each other...
Banta: fir ..fir ..fir ki hoya ... (while drooling a bit)

Santa ( a lil exasperated by all the pestering by now) : Fir ki hona si..fir ohi hoya jo ludhiany hunda hega... (what the heck could happen..the same that happens back home in Ludhiana)

So guys...Stop searching for Nude pictures of Yana Gupta and she is a Gori anyways..use your common sense and hit a xxx site....saves u lotsa time n effort...

Hilarious 2 Minute Management Course

Read and apply the following wisdom carefully and you can beat the crap outa all those high fly MBA's


Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking that she has a chance earning $800 within a minute, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:
Do not share any critical information unless you understand the need of opposite person. It may or may not help him but surely won’t help you.



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’

Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.

The manager smiles and say, ‘I want those two back in the office after the lunch-time.’

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’

The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5:

A Turkey was chatting with a Bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the Turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’ ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the Bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The Turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave her enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, she reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the Turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree..

She was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot her out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t help you stay there for long.



Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and she fell to the ground into a large field.

While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her.

As the frozen bird laid there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing her out!

She lays there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat hears the bird singing and comes to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug her out and ate her.

Morals of the story:
[1] Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
[2] Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
[3] And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Talking Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak French, Spanish, Sanskrit and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, no body wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Simple solutions to Complex problems

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV.
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now!

LEAVE THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BAR TENDER. There is always another way to solve a problem. I drink to that.

Childish Humor !!..not at all..a must read for grown ups..

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

The italics are the real rejoinders by the kids...
1. Don't change horses...........until they stop running.

2.Strike while the............bug is close.

3.It's always darkest before..............Daylight Saving Time.

4.Never underestimate the power of.............termites.
5.You can lead a horse to water but...................How?
6.Don't bite the hand that...................looks dirty.
7.No news is...............................impossible
8.A miss is as good as a..............Mr.
9.You can't teach an old dog new............Math
10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll..............stink in the morning.
11.Love all, trust..............................Me.
12.The pen is mightier than the.............. pigs..
13.An idle mind is....................................the best way to relax.
14.Where there's smoke there's............pollution.
15.Happy the bride who.....................gets all the presents.
16.A penny saved is.........................not much.
17.Two's company, three's.............the Musketeers.
18.Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.............You have to blow your nose.
20.There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed...................get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you...............See in the picture on the box
24.When the blind lead the blind .......................get out of the way.
25.A bird in the hand................................is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.Better late than............................Pregnant

Now its pretty debatable if the last one is the best one but I had to trick you into reading all of them....soooo...But you have to agree that there are some profound insights in those proverbs.

THE TEENAGER DAUGHTER OWNER'S MANUAL

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters, or who will soon have a teenage daughter....
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, & answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the 'product' to the factory for a full refund.

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. - Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup & less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth. (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

(d) Has one ear glued to the phone?

(e) Lives in a room which looks like the aftermath of Iraq bombing raid!

(f) Has body piercing and tattos which you didn't even know existed in human anatomy?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, & you will merely feel traumatized and totally disoriented. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain Behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, & stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between The words "clean" & "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because They take frequent showers and or baths that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom & dad use. DUH!" When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out & wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy & don't have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These 'others' are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be Purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because, "It is like so disgusting." She doesn't want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you &, "Like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents." Either order take-out food or just give her the money. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you &, "OHMIGAWD! HE IS SO HOT!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza delivery boy!

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish & frankly, sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door (if she is not skip school to hang out with her buddies), she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE
Teenaged daughters require one or two levels of maintenance: "High," & "Ultra High." Of course, YOUR daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough, & whatever you try, won't work.

WARRANTY
This product is not without defect because she has "your" genes, for heaven's sake! If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, & as far as you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her. Go ahead, try it -- you just might find her!

Bill Gates speech: 11 rules your kids did not and will not learn in school

Although I knew most of these rules but this still did not help me set up Microsoft or make a few billions in pocket money. The italics are mine, and the rest is Mr. billion dollars. I mean would you still be reading it if Gates had not made his moolah!!! You would have gone " BILL WHO!!!"



Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!(I'm trying dammit!!! I'm trying)

Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem (errr neither do I). The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE (DUH! wud ve got it without the capital letters) you feel good about yourself.(I used to feel good when i was sozzled till they told me it was not counted as an accomplishment)

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.(orrrr steal a car with a car phone)

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. (my teacher was hot and I'm unemployed so eat that Mr Gates)

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.(for free food!)

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.(I'm still learning everyday)

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now(Yeah, they had sex! i know). They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.(Lice have rights too you know)

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. (So why am i still in high school!!!)

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time. (I 've hard time finding employers dude)

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. (What about Live shows and porn!! that's real life... ain't it??)

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.(NERD...he he he i know gates is never gonna hire me..so NERD again)

Music never fails to raise the spirit

Usually i do not like to blog videos as they detract me from writing weird stuff, but once in a while one comes across music which raises the spirit into a free flight. This one is not only a audible but a visual delight too.


I am certain that after watching this video you are going to get a pirated version or a free download of this (thus hurting coca cola revenues maybe) but coke has given us enough burps so they wont even notice.





More about the singers and the concept once i am through with the videos. I know you hot dudes are dying to know more about the beautiful babe in the video. Well she is the daughter of a Pakistani actress and a top model in Pakistan besides being an excellent singer. So to help your hormones a bit here are a couple of more videos of Messha Shafi






And here is the cokestudio video of Chori Chori by Messha Shafi. A must watch not only for the beautiful Meesha Shafi (you you you lustful dudes) but for her beautiful voice.




More about this later. I got to watch some of this again. If anyone knows free download links please post them in response. Lotta pirates will be grateful to you.
Meantime have fun.

Just Statistics for Fun

Doctors vs. Gun Owners

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers

for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

Send oldies to the war

After all those heart warming stories here is one practical humrous one from an old gentleman with lots of common sense and practical reasoning. I am all for it. Let the oldies gas the terrorists.

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds (I thought it was once every micro second). Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' ...bang! bang! bang!...we are impatient and maybe letting us kill some dirtbag who desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up and cranky, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-gun.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. We will also be a liability because of the medicines the enemy would need to supply just to keep us alive in captivity.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling of wife n kids.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... When have you ever seen an enemy dangle a rope over a 20-foot wall for you to climb, or who does push ups after chasing and shooting the enemy!!!. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. We could also gas the enemy with eco friendly gases (ever heard of a fart)

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think OLD MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

Send this LINK to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.

Tell me who you love and I will tell you who you are !

In between all the nude or semi nude pictures and hot mms links that I post I do like to post these heart warming stories once in a while, because, believe me or not someday, if you live long enough, your horniness will dwindle and fade away and you will truly search for the meaning of your existence and true happiness. These random stories might help a bit in your search.

John stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose.

His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Judith May.

With time and effort he located her address. She lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II. During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail.

Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. John requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York.

"You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let John tell you what happened next:

A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blond hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive.

I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Judith May.

She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes.

The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own.

And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful.

I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John, and you must be Miss Judith May. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?"

The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!" It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Judith May wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.

"Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are..."

Priceless

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened
last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"


Moral :
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk - PRICELESS

Don't waste your time reading this

In the movie, Scent of a Woman, there's a scene where Al Pacino asks a girl to dance and she replies, "I can't, my boyfriend will be here any minute now". To which Al responds, "A life is lived in an instant". Then they dance to a tango.

Many of us live our lives running behind time, but we only reach it when we die of a heart attack or in a car accident rushing to be on time. Others are so anxious of living the future that they forget to live the present, which is the only time that truly exists. We all have equal time throughout the
world. No one has more or less. The difference lies in what each one of us does with our time.

We need to live each moment. As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

Congratulations for reading till the end of this message. There are many who would have stopped in the middle so as not to waste time.